There's a furious interaction between love and hate infiltrating my life at this time.

A relationship so strong, and bonded by such intense emotion, but yet pushing itself away from the intense amount of fear that is there.

I'm in love with a light.............

That's all I can say; and I don't much know how to explain it in any other way.

The light is strong, kind hearted, and warm. Yet totally afraid of the dark that might lye ahead........ which in any case... any light should be afraid... right?

The light is the biggest inspiration (next to my best friend) that I have in my life.

It's understandibly hard to make sense of the direction it may take me in.

I'm scared... feeling alone, and completely seperated. But when I stand in the light it heals me, makes me feel like I am human again.

I'm afraid it's going to hold me back from exploring "THE ME".

I guess only time will tell what this light will light up in my life.

Either way... I am escaping to Hawaii!

^_^

.::Bridge 2 Nowhere::.

Last night was so fantastically amazing!

The Bridge to Nowhere party....

I wasn't booked to play, but for some reason I had an idea that I would be anyways. Good thing all my tracks are still on Q's computer. Plus I dropped my new track I made yesterday.

The party was minimal as far as attendance goes, but it was all the super close homies. And a ton of us that are moving to Maui this year. WOOT!

Zack was there, and I haven't seen him in a long time. He totally gave me the run down on Hawaii, and offered to get a house with me, and a job over in Maui.
FUCK YA!
I'm really excited now. He's an amazing person, and I can't wait to move there to start building a better friendship with him.

I plan to leave November 15th, if don't get the flight attendant job I want.
I have a hold back as well.... this awesome friend of mine.... I will miss him so much if I move.
:(

There was an Elk at the Bridge, that let me pet him, kiss him, & hold him. Such an amazing powerful creature. I fell in love.
I have photos of him.

Here is a link to The Bridge Photos!

.::A Night @ Pala::.

I want to speak so bad......
But I'm tongue tied for the time being.

You ever do something so amazing, so beautiful, so fucking wild and crazy, that it makes you smile from ear to ear, but you can't talk about it?

I did... and have.

HA!

I want to speak so bad......
But I'm tongue tied for the time being.

.::Photos to share, that I absolutely adore::.

Julya & I for my birthday July 2007

Aydin & I for my birthday July 2007

1st Beach Party w/Jahnji Spinning 2004

A couple of my Turtles when they were still young.

1st boat Party, Arron and I

This robot hit on me.... he was hot!

Me and my June Bug Friend @ the beach party 2005
My Bunny Lop "Lopness Monster" RIP 1/06
She was the most amazing creature I ever held! :(
This is what Elroy does when he wants water...lol
Soak 2005, Cheshyre (HA HA) & Carl
Beach Party 2006, See.. Wrestling is a Natural out there!
Bass Kittens @ The Beach 2006
Love Kittens! Elroy & Bean
My Brothers foot @ The Air Show 2006
2006 @ the Stormy Beach in the Winter!

Jabba the Frog, My Marine Toad. 2007A beautiful stray I took care of: Elle 2004
Cletus (Under) & Elmo barely turned frogs I raised...
Elmo climbing around for the first time out of water. 2004


There are sooooo many more that I will be making a photo album for.

^_^


*song of choice: Buju Banton - Keep & Care*

The dreams that make you think your life is in chaos...

The Past: Last night was the second night in a row that I have dreamed things that have made me wonder. The first being so violent, and out of control, I could only come up with the idea that it meant I was to move on, and let go of all the petty mishaps that make me dwell so low.

The second one, the one last night, was so peaceful, and beautiful. Everything seemed to being going amazingly. Until i got a text message that said "Carl killed himself".
In that dream, at that moment, I was in a raging, freaked out, and shocking fit of pain. The dream was so real, and so intense; that when I woke, my heart was beating a thousand miles an hour, my soul was torn from me, and my body was shaking fiercely.

The first thing I did was see if Carl was okay.

From that dream, I was told that my letting go was going to be a difficult journey, but a journey I had to embark on.
Two nights of being rattled so furiously, have really put my mind in it's place.
Two nights of waking up drenched in sweat, wondering if people were okay.

The Present: My choice to split from the one I love so dearly, is definitely going to be a journey that will test my "strong".

He's my best friend, and no matter what outcome in the future happens, I know we will continue to always be the best of friends.

It draws tears to my eyes thinking about the past, but I know it's something I have to let go of. It's something that has been holding me back from the things I really want in life.

I'M WILLING TO EMBARK ON A JOURNEY THAT WILL DRAW THE SUNSHINE OUT OF MY DARK SKIES, AND OPEN THE CLOUDS TO A NEW BEING!


The Future: Options!
I'm seeding myself to many different options, so that I have a choice in the near future to do something I have always dreamed of doing.

- Flight Attendant (Childhood dream gone dormant, but now presented to me in a fashion that I may be able to take charge of it's option, and open the skies to new and endless possibilities)

- Island Hopping in the Virgin Islands (Something that was supposed to happen in 2003, but something I put off, to test the waters of a new, and super human that I met)

- Basking in Hawaii's beautiful ambiance (Also something that was going to happen in 2003, but was put off to learn more about a supreme being I had met)

Right now I am unsure of what my future holds. I'm okay with any option, as long as it's better and healthier than what I have put myself into for the past ... 7 years!

I want the childhood dream, because it would be fulfilling to my soul. It's a place to start a new career, and learn a lot more about more people, places, and most importantly... myself.

I could also stay in Portland. This is after all.... MY HOME! And will always be MY HOME!
But something amazing has to happen here for me to want to stay and build a better life.
Portland is sometimes a dreary, dark place, that is easy to get stuck in a routine that just doesn't do anyone any good.
But on the other end of the spectrum, it's ONE OF the most musically influenced cities in the US. And a place where I can most definitely build my dream in music production.
It would be a lot for me to just get up and walk out on Portland. I have spent the last 6 years making a staple for myself, and building a network of amazing people and influences.

But unless I am presented with a better option, then my first three options are where my heart now belongs....
I AM A CANCER... I WILL GO WHERE THE WATER FLOWS!


*song of choice today: Stabbing Westward - What Do I Have To Do*

A confused rainy day for the sheltered little one...

It's time I FINALLY express all the confusions, all the stipulations; all the ups and downs, all the rights and wrongs and encounters my life has been throwing at me me this past year in particular. I will care not of what the repercussions will be. It's time I talk about the things I have so desired to talk about. It's time for self therapy....
Left Hand: The hand that winds the clock that guides me through my waking dreams. The hand that holds everyone else's hand when they have fallen deep. The hand that is objective, logical, rational, & skilled at sequencing ideas...

The hand that set's the path I wish to be on, and propels me into a whirlwind of cyclones of ideas and configurations in life.

It's the hand that tells the stories of our lives, and has an obsessive need to be organized.

The left hand remembers everything. Numbers, letters, times, dates, smells, feelings, tastes, and sayings. It's a complicated structure of This and That, with a need to define itself at every single moment.

Right Hand: The hand that paints those beautiful pictures that it's too afraid to hold up and show everyone. The hand that enjoys clowning around, and making jokes. The hand that fantasizes and pleasures. The hand that dreams about things that will never happen; the one that makes dreaming seem surreal.

The absentminded freedom explorer. The spontaneous, unpredictable, philosophical, cat lover, whose heart for art overpowers her need to survive.

The right hand forgets important details, and keeps others waiting.
It's a holistic, synthesizing conundrum of music & bitter defaults, that lead into a better understanding of the world through silly displacement of geometry, and open minds.

Overall these two hands come together with mysterious form, in an Acid like Illusion. They bond with eachother knowing that no matter how distant each ones traits are, they will always come together in unity; making life seem like it's "whole".

I've come to realize that with each footstep on every day forward, is a new step toward becoming a new me. Just in the past few months have I come leaps and bounds in finding my true self once again.
For four years, the me that I always knew, had become stagnant, and lost.

Its nice to see her truly smile once again.
It's nice to be looked at, and told that I am beautiful again, by those I want to hear it from.

I've realized that the only true love, is the love in me.
"You can fall in love with many people, but you can only truly be in love if you love yourself."
I've heard that a million times, but only now has the light shined, and shown me, what that truly means.

I have steps to climb in the next couple of weeks. I have a lot to work out in my current relationships. I have a large canyon to jump as far as my future. But whatever the outcome, I know it will be better than what I have been holding on to for the past 4 or 5 years.

It's time for this bird, this RAVEN to be free and fly again.

*song of choice today: Nelly Furtado - I'm Like a Bird*