The dreams that make you think your life is in chaos...

The Past: Last night was the second night in a row that I have dreamed things that have made me wonder. The first being so violent, and out of control, I could only come up with the idea that it meant I was to move on, and let go of all the petty mishaps that make me dwell so low.

The second one, the one last night, was so peaceful, and beautiful. Everything seemed to being going amazingly. Until i got a text message that said "Carl killed himself".
In that dream, at that moment, I was in a raging, freaked out, and shocking fit of pain. The dream was so real, and so intense; that when I woke, my heart was beating a thousand miles an hour, my soul was torn from me, and my body was shaking fiercely.

The first thing I did was see if Carl was okay.

From that dream, I was told that my letting go was going to be a difficult journey, but a journey I had to embark on.
Two nights of being rattled so furiously, have really put my mind in it's place.
Two nights of waking up drenched in sweat, wondering if people were okay.

The Present: My choice to split from the one I love so dearly, is definitely going to be a journey that will test my "strong".

He's my best friend, and no matter what outcome in the future happens, I know we will continue to always be the best of friends.

It draws tears to my eyes thinking about the past, but I know it's something I have to let go of. It's something that has been holding me back from the things I really want in life.

I'M WILLING TO EMBARK ON A JOURNEY THAT WILL DRAW THE SUNSHINE OUT OF MY DARK SKIES, AND OPEN THE CLOUDS TO A NEW BEING!


The Future: Options!
I'm seeding myself to many different options, so that I have a choice in the near future to do something I have always dreamed of doing.

- Flight Attendant (Childhood dream gone dormant, but now presented to me in a fashion that I may be able to take charge of it's option, and open the skies to new and endless possibilities)

- Island Hopping in the Virgin Islands (Something that was supposed to happen in 2003, but something I put off, to test the waters of a new, and super human that I met)

- Basking in Hawaii's beautiful ambiance (Also something that was going to happen in 2003, but was put off to learn more about a supreme being I had met)

Right now I am unsure of what my future holds. I'm okay with any option, as long as it's better and healthier than what I have put myself into for the past ... 7 years!

I want the childhood dream, because it would be fulfilling to my soul. It's a place to start a new career, and learn a lot more about more people, places, and most importantly... myself.

I could also stay in Portland. This is after all.... MY HOME! And will always be MY HOME!
But something amazing has to happen here for me to want to stay and build a better life.
Portland is sometimes a dreary, dark place, that is easy to get stuck in a routine that just doesn't do anyone any good.
But on the other end of the spectrum, it's ONE OF the most musically influenced cities in the US. And a place where I can most definitely build my dream in music production.
It would be a lot for me to just get up and walk out on Portland. I have spent the last 6 years making a staple for myself, and building a network of amazing people and influences.

But unless I am presented with a better option, then my first three options are where my heart now belongs....
I AM A CANCER... I WILL GO WHERE THE WATER FLOWS!


*song of choice today: Stabbing Westward - What Do I Have To Do*